The Perpetual Awkward Phase

Take your time coming home.

2010-08-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

I've been making little stuffed animals called Softies lately. Apparently I'm going to spend my free time sewing and painting my nails. Other than that, I've just been working at a hair salon in VA highlands. It is literally sucking up all of my time and energy, but atleast I can pay my bills.

My challenge today is to recreate a teabag softie. Wish me luck!

Its summer time!

2010-05-30T08:22:00.001-07:00

I haven't written in this blog since December. Apparently, I am the anti-blogger. I have a lot of things to say, but I can never get them straight enough to justify an entire post. Although, really, plenty of people blog about nothing.

I'm thinking of starting another blog, just for fun. I'd have a crazy username and have some goal or purpose for my entries besides passing the time. (I need structure!) But what to write about?

On a side note, some updates for my non-existant readers:

I am now single.

I am living in Powder Springs, though I also have a place in East Atlanta. Its just too dirty to stay at.

I am working 6 days a week.

I am turning 21 in a month. (Yay!)

persona series

2009-12-14T10:39:00.000-08:00

So yesterday Patrick and I met up with J. Trav to do some photos from his persona series. For those of you who don't know, the persona series is photos of different people around atlanta with a matching photo of their "everyday essentials". Basically, you empty out your bag for the world to see, and J. Trav takes a picture. I really love the idea. Anywhoo, here is how they turned out:

That is all.

Christmas Time!!

2009-12-08T10:39:00.000-08:00

Hooray, it's Christmas time! Patrick and I have gotten a tree and I've wrapped presents and put them underneath. Today we're getting lights and putting the ornaments up. Also, Kelly and I are planning on doing some serious baking in the next 2 weeks. Basically, I'm being way more proactive about Christmas this year than I was last year.

I'm super excited about going to New Jersey this year. Maybe we'll have a white Christmas? That would be a first for me. I can't wait to drink the goose, eat cookies, and visit the Cake Boss.

YAY CHRISTMAS!!

Ps: Sorry about this spastic post.

( Also, pictures to follow.)

Modern Poetry

2009-09-05T11:26:00.000-07:00

Thanks to social networking, its extremely easy for ex boyfriends and such to send you drunken/angry/whatever messages whenever they feel like it. A few days ago I started receiving odd comments on my myspace from a guy I dated briefly when I first started high school. (He apparently does a lot of mushrooms and acid now, which explains the strange nature of his comments.) Anywhoo, it was very clear that this guy was trying to start a fight with me, for whatever reason. Eventually he sent me a message with this following:

I was looking for a fight. We didn't ever have much in common Amy. You fight for glory, and I fight with glory. What we are is the very force that let the blade drop perfectly between us..Still, hate me forever, and I'll love you twice as long. I am having a truely nice life by the way, thanks. this one's for you, love.

What you are not:

Beautiful, an enchanting believer

Anyone to draw new curtains for a reborn theater

A joy, nor a vision

A girl who carries curiosity, or one believe in

A jewel to be found alone among stone…

What you are:

A key not to forgetting the past, but to dancing with its bloody rotting weight

Pushing us down

A monster who kills to love what could only be found

Dead, in a preserved living portrait

Painted with a hand holding a brush

Holding everything you are

Colorful, inspiring sadness

That which could not love

In a world to understand

You.

written September 4th, 2009

by Tim

Would anyone care to translate? I don't speak hippie.

Emotional retardation.

2009-08-25T22:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal.

I haven't posted in a while. And now is not an ideal time since I've recently consumed 4 (very heavy) vodka & sodas. But alas, here I am.

I recently finished reading "The Time Travelers Wife", which I loved. The problem being that I got so wrapped up in the story that I lost track of my actual emotions. This tends to happen to me with books. I'm hoping my emotional IQ is back up to par after a few days lacking the graceful writing of whatever-the-authors-name-is.

Also, I am in school. But it's rather boring. I'm in a math class for invalids and my english is extremely dull. My art class, however, is very interesting. (Not to mention the teacher is something nice to look at.) Mostly I sit around and wait for hours for class to start. Southernpoly is a really uninteresting campus.

Anywhoo, that is my update for this evening. I hope you enjoyed my drunken ramblings.

-A.

Eat your heart out.

2009-08-12T14:19:00.000-07:00

There are two videos that I think everyone should see. They both made me cry.

The first is rather long, but well worth it. Its an episode of MTV's 16 and Pregnant. The series follows around a different girl each episode (6 in all) for 5-7 months during/after their pregnancy. This particular episode is quite the tear-jerker. At first glance you would think these kids are typical 16-year-old idiots, but after watching the episode I came away with a great respect for both of them. They overcame their horrible parents judgement and bad advice, and ultimately gave their daughter up for adoption. If you have 45 minutes to spare, this video is very touching.

16 and Pregnant- Catelynn
(If you like the show, I also suggest watching Maci's story. Also very inspirational.)

The other video is 5 minutes and has won some awards, I'm not sure what though. Through old photos and an interview the video tells of a widower's life without his wife of 60-some years. (She passed away last year)
Prepare to cry.

A Life Alone

That is all.

-Amy.

Knott family gatherings.

2009-07-09T07:14:00.000-07:00

So, this week is my vacation time in New Hampshire for Patrick's cousin's wedding. I arrived last night after a very long trip. (up by 3:30, on a plane by 5:30, in Phili for 3 hours and then on to New Hampshire.) I was physically and emotionally drained as I had nearly had a nervous breakdown on the plane. (I'm a terrible flyer. Take offs and landings make me want to puke my guts out.) Despite this, I was extremely nervous/excited about meeting Patricks extended family. I was warned about the amount of alcohol that would be drunk, the crazy uncle that would try to kiss me on the mouth, and the aunt that is (truthfully) a total jerk.

Still, nothing could have prepared me. Having lived in the south my entire life, I've only heard the "redneck accent" and sometimes the "old southern money accent", but never have I ever heard the New England accent in person. Fan. tastic.

It's what you would expect from a large "northern" family. Loud, fighting, "go sox!", and lots of alcohol going around. I had 3 cocktails in the few hours we were there. Honestly, I really enjoyed it. Especially winning at their little family dice game. (They play a game called LCR which involves everyone betting 3 dollars. I lost the whole game and then won at the last second. I heard a cousin angrily call out, "Who let the ten year old play the game?" Bitterness is not attractive!)

Anyway, now I'm officially hungover, downing a cup of coffee and anxiously awaiting the next family gathering...

ps: I'M FOLOTD of the day! FAMOUS!

Angry rant sesh.

2009-06-30T23:28:00.000-07:00

I'm just going to go on record and say that this internship is not working.
Fred Duffer is a flake. Everytime I'm "scheduled" to come in, it gets cancelled.
The woman who owns the production company is extremely rude and probably going through menopause.
But the point is I JUST WANT TO LEARN FINAL CUT PRO.

Also, I'm the grim reaper for cars. Every time I get in one, things fall off or break. While my air conditioning is being fixed I have been driving my dads car. As I was driving home from work tonight the lights in the dash and the headlights went out. (On a random road in Powder Springs with no street lights, by the way.) Within five seconds of putting the car in park in the driveway it completely died. Every car I touch turns to scrap metal.

My job sucks.

//end rant.

Good day.

it's my party and i'll cry if i want to.

2009-06-25T22:43:00.000-07:00

In honor of my birthday, I'm posting ridiculous baby pictures.
I turn 20 on Sunday. I actually feel like I'm ready. Ish.

I'm going to college in August. I'm an intern with a video production studio (sorta) and I'm learning Final Cut Pro, finally. Hopefully I will have a new job soon. Maybe I'll have all my shit together in the near future and be more twenty than not?
Also, on Monday I will have been dating the love of my life for one year. I feel incredibly lucky.

That is all.

-Amy.

Captivating

2009-06-21T20:08:00.000-07:00

"Every woman I've ever met feels it --- something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough and I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeing on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone".

After re-reading this caption (which is from Captivating, a great book despite the fact that its written by an evangelical christian writer) I'm amazed at how true this is. No matter how confident you appear, there are always those weak moments. (Maybe its not just women, but men as well?) I catch myself all the time thinking that I'm too emotional, weak. Sometimes even my friends make me feel that way. Snide remarks about my character, my relationship, and my past can stick around for weeks. It festers and irks me until it comes out in a undefinable mess of tears. Why do we let these things build up and bother us? In the back of my mind I feel that when I'm more stable and have a career I'll have less of those thoughts, but I don't know.

I guess I'm just sending this thought bubble out into the world wide web. Maybe I'll figure it out one of these days.

1-20 brings out my best.

2009-06-15T20:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I made a spur of the moment decision to go to Augusta to visit my friend Kate. (And also to take advantage of her HBO, if I'm being honest.) The visit wasn't much to speak of. We watched True Blood and I had some wine while she sipped on Sprite. We continued the True Blood marathon pretty much all day today. (With the exception of when we got Taco Bell and Kate pulled over to dry heave. Very casually, I might add.)

Anywhoo, I started driving back to Atlanta at about 9 p.m. If you've ever made the trip to Augusta you'll know that I-2o is a barren wasteland most of the way. Basically, all I had to do was think and the topic in the forefront of my mind was marriage. It's been bugging me lately that so many girls I know are getting married. They're 19-21, for gods sake! Am I the only one who had it drilled into their brain as a child to NOT get married that young? I can't name 5 girls off the top of my head that are getting married in the next year that are my age. (I'm mentally shuddering at the thought.) I wonder if it's just my upbringing that gives me my position, or the fact that both of my parents have been married multiple times?

I also wonder why they are in such a rush. There's no real romance to marriage. In my opinion, a long lasting relationship should eventually lead to marriage, yes. But I feel like at the age of 20 you can't possibly be who you'll be for the rest of your life. Kate, for example. When I knew her she was a pot-smoking, rebellious, musician-loving lifeguard in Atlanta. Now she's working at a restaurant, MARRIED TO A COP, and spending most of her time laying around on her couch. She was 21 when I met her, and now she's 27. And I can tell you without a doubt she is different in many other ways. But when she was younger she swore she was going to marry the musician she was living with. Thank God she didn't.

Anywhoo, I'm just pondering all of this. Respond if you want with your theories.

Day 2

2009-06-10T16:20:00.000-07:00

I think I spoke too soon regarding the craziness of my new teacher. He's definitely out there, but once we really started editing, he seemed way more normal. Or maybe I got weirder? Either way, things were flowing really well today. The film, Methidimic, is coming along nicely and I genuinely enjoyed seeing it. It may take a while before I can really get my hands dirty, though.

I met the infamous producer that I was so heavily warned about. She's definitely a bitchy cougar, but nothing I can't handle. My mother would make her look like a sweetheart. I just loathe the fact that she'll be all over my ass whenever she's around. (Apparently this is normal for producers?)

Anywhoo, I'm off to EA Grant Central Pizza for dinner with Kelly and Rafay.

Toodle-oo!

Since last we spoke

2009-06-09T20:54:00.000-07:00

I took my GED test last week. That was an experience in itself. All the cliches about people that get their GED turned out to be true. I was surrounded by toothless, 16-and-pregnant, inbred morons. (I'm being kind.) One girl was wearing a shirt that said "I'm pregnant, what's your excuse?" while smoking a cigarette and shoving doritos down her throat. It was a very long day. I didn't have anything to do most of the time, so I started manually updating my twitter. (Which basically means I was writing it down on notebook paper.) I'm a child of social networking. My manual twitter went like this:

3:40 PM: Amy Stufflebeam is surrounded by the morons that John Malkovich has fought against through out his life.

3:42 PM: Amy Stufflebeam died today. Of total and utter boredom.

(Little thumbs up) Amy Stufflebeam likes this

3:59 PM: Amy Stufflebeam is listening to unchained melody. "Time goes by so slowly.."

@Everyone reading this: I am officially insane.

Yeah. Well, the day of temporary insanity and poor company was worth it. I passed my GED. Hooray! Now, onto the SATs.

In other news, I have an internship with a local video editor who will hopefully teach me a lot He's absolutely crazy. Seriously. No concept of personal space or social rules. But he's one hell of an editor. He used to work for Turner...like almost everyone else in Atlanta. Anywhoo, I'll probably be doing that 2-3 days a week to start off. Hooray! It's not much, but it's a foot in the door.

Other than that, I'm just enjoying my summer and hating my job, as per usual.

Here are a few photos from a rooftop shoot with Blainzie, Patty and myself.

Angry, young and poor.

2009-05-27T01:08:00.000-07:00

Tonight I tortured myself again. (The thing is, I don't really realize I'm doing it till it's too late.) Basically, as per usual, I was unable to sleep. So despite my attempts to steer clear of web lurking, I ended up doing it anyway. The gist of it is that I saw all of these successful people (I don't know most of them personally, but they run in similar circles.) that aren't much older than me and my skin started to crawl. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and I feel that even when I do I will never attain that kind of success. I know, I know. I will not be 19 years old forever. One day, I too will be working and making more than 2.15 dollars an hour. I guess it all just feels so unreachable when I can't even get a job as a receptionist or an ice cream scooper. (Not for lack of experience, mind you!)

I am in my mothers house, but I'm wishing to already be 24 with some direction and purpose. But when I'm 24 there's a good chance I still won't have those things. God help me.

Now that I'm done with my delirious rant, I think I'll go to bed.

Metal mouf

2009-05-14T20:22:00.000-07:00

Got my braces on. Ow. Enough said.

I actually made money at work tonight. Hooray for $80! How rare. (Sad as that is to say.)

I'm thinking about organizing a chick night for the beginning of June in honor of the DVD release of "He's just not that into you." If anyone read this blog, I'd probably ask for an RSVP on here. But I'm pretty sure you're the only one to read this, Lindsey.

That is all.

UGGGGGH Mothers Day

2009-05-10T22:43:00.000-07:00

For a server, it's both heaven and hell. You make lots of money, but you're absurdly busy and in the weeds all day. This year wasn't so bad. I only had a 3 table sections. But at the very end of my shift I left my server book sitting on a POS stand. I was in hurry, I was frazzled, and I really regret setting it down. Another server stole it. All my tips, cash payments, and TONS of coupons.

...Needless to say, my GM wanted to kill me. I was bawling my eyes out and apologizing hysterically. Of course, I know who took it. He's a vile, disgusting, repulsive snake. But what can you do?

I wish I had done more for my mom, but alas, I ended up broke after working from 9:30-6:30. Happy friggen mothers day.

Getting in gear

2009-05-04T22:32:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I have to revisit my old high school for a withdrawal form so I can sign up for my GED. Needless to say, I'm not looking forward to it. All of the ladies in guidance know me (and my mother) quite well. I'm infamous with them for missing ridiculous amounts of school and forging my mom's signature. Probably just because they know my mom. Either way, Kell is not one of my favorite places.

I had a long conversation with my mom and stepdad today about the living situation with them. We've run in to a few problems, which is bound to happen when you've had two years of freedom and then are forced to move back in with the rentals. But I'm happy to say that my mom was perfectly rational and calm (a rarity for her) and we came to some reasonable conclusions. After which my mom and I watched Steel Magnolias. Oh, and they told me that they're actually paying for my GED test. Hooray! Hopefully I can get my SATs taken care of and get myself in GA state. I just can't wait to be back in the city. As hard as it was for me before, I feel that with school and a new sense of self I can turn my experience around. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Oh,I am also the luckiest girl in the world. I have the most amazing boyfriend on the face of the planet.

That is all.

Only a matter of time.

2009-04-28T11:28:00.001-07:00

Since I've recently been reverting back to my 13 year old self, I figured blogging would be next on my to-do list.

Other signs that I am growing back into my awkward phase:

I am getting braces back on.
I am living with my parents again.
I have no car.
I have a shit job. (still.)
I am generally frustrated with my mother ALL the time.
I'm on the computer wayyy more than necessary.
I have no social life. (See above.)

Man, I miss having a life. But instead, I'll blog about nothing particular.